Smokebombs aren’t as good as they say they are…

I don’t like losing.

Jack and I (well, mostly Jack, which is why the plan wasn’t very good) had a plan to get rid of the bees. They don’t like smoke, right? And on tv, when someone’s trying to get honey out of the hive, they always wear those funny clothes and have a big bellowy thing that pumps out lots of smoke and puts the bees to sleep, so the the person who owns the hive can steal all their honey. So Mr. Shelley is a would-be murderer AND a thief.

So we thought we’d put some smokebombs in the hive to make them all sleepy, and then push the hive into the pond so all the bees would drown! Actually, it was ME supposed to be doing all this. Jack is a big baby about being stung.

Hey! I made the smokebombs, didn’t I?

Shut up. You also wrapped me in a shower curtain and put one of Mum’s kitchen sieves over my head.

Total improvement.

SHUT UP. So I sneaked over when Shelley went out to post a letter, and set off the smokebombs. It looked like they worked, so I pushed the hive into the pond. But Mr. Shelley hasn’t kept it filled since we killed his fish, and it was only a few centimetres deep. Most of the hive was fine.

Then I fell in, and Shelley came home. I managed to get away, but he came over after dinner to return the shower curtain. Mum and Dad were furious. They think he’s so nice and we’re so mean and they wouldn’t believe us when we told them that he was making killer bees to kill us all in our beds! 

We’re grounded for a month. :(

Ouch!

Ouch ouch! I have been stung like, a thousand squillion times today! These bees are everywhere!!! I’m starting to think Shelley got them just to sting us. Or me, at least – Jemima says she hasn’t been stung once! I don’t believe her really because they sting me all the time. Maybe Shelley has made them so they only like to sting boys.

We used Fred to go back in time and talk to Gregor Mendel. He was pretty weird for a monk, but he told us a lot about how you can breed living things to make them how you want – he told us about the beans he worked with, and how he could make beans that were yellow or green depending on which parent beans he chose. He was trying to do the same thing with bees too but he made really angry super-bees that stung too much.

Jemima reckons Shelley is probably doing the same thing. We forgot to ask Mr. Mendel how he killed the bees but now that we know they’re dangerous we have to stop Shelley. If you can figure anything out from the talk we had with Mr. Mendel, let us know. We recorded it and you can listen to it below.

Gregor Mendel Interview

Darn Bugs!!!

Well after all that fuss with the Dragonflys, it looks like Shelley doesn’t even care about the stupid things! After we got rid of them all, the buzzing next door got even louder – turns out Mr. Shelley had got bees everywhere now!!! I nearly got stung too, but I managed to squish a few of them with a fly swat. They’re nasty little things though – they work together in a big hive! Shelleys other pets never did that… once we managed to get two of the fish in his fish pond to fight each other! The big one ate the little one. 

Anyway, the bees don’t seem to need all that oxygen so I don’t know what’s going on. Me and Jack are going to have to come up with a plan to get rid of them – I don’t know what kills bees though. I think he plans on using Fred to get some ideas.

Trying new things

Hi, kids from Rangiora! Do you have horrible mad scientist neighbours too? I wonder what your school is like, and if it’s anything like ours. Our library got burned down last year (and people think WE did it! when of course we didn’t. It’s not like we went there a lot. I didn’t even know where it was. No, not me.) We have to use the public library now instead – good thing it’s close by.

Jack’s there now, which is silly as we had a day off school today, yay!, as the only thing that Jack ever reads is comic books and manuals on how to put his boring machines together. They both have lots of pictures, so that’s why he likes them. It must be a boy thing. Dad likes magazines with lots of pictures as well, but he won’t let me read them, the big meanie.

But don’t think he’s gone to read anything! Nooo… I just think he has a crush on the new librarian. She’s not as pretty as me, though. You should see how he looks when we see her at school – like a big dumb doggie all hoping for a pat. Like Cerberus, really, before we killed him. Jack and Teacher up a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!!! Not that she’d want to kiss him, he’s gross. I don’t think he’s had a bath for two days.

I hope the librarian doesn’t go the same way. D’you think Jack will put her in one of his machines? I might help if he did…

He says he’s looking for information about giant insects. We want to go talk to horrible Anonymous, but Fred has gone missing. He does that sometimes. I wonder who he’s visiting? Maybe there are other couches like him somewhere… So we’re going to have to wait until he gets back, which is dumb. I don’t like to wait. Have tried calling for him in my highest voice, but Jack says I  like a sick bat and if I don’t shut up he’ll turn my bed into a rack. He says that if Cerberus was alive he’d be howling right now. 

Then he said he’d put nails in it when I told him he should use the internet instead of the library to find out stuff. That’s where I get all my recipes from! I don’t like the idea of being eaten by bugs. They eat lots of yucky things, I thought it was just plants and stuff! But there are some who eat meat, too, and some that eat stuff like honey. And some that eat POO!! EWWWWWW! I’d rather starve.

But worse than bugs eating poo is bugs eating ME.  I’d rather eat them instead.

I think I’ll do some expewiments. Jack’s not the only one who can! What bug should I eat first, d’you think?

It’s time to go back to Jurassic Park

At least, to see the old dinosaur. She doesn’t like us very much.

Which seems silly to me. I mean, if YOU got visitors from the future, travelling back especially to meet you on their magical couch, wouldn’t you be impressed? But no. Dear old Dr. Anonymous Diggit just complains because we won’t squash some other lady called Mary Anning. Apparently two women digging up old rocks a very long time ago was two women too many in the back blocks of ye olde England. It’s not as if the men could talk, though! Look at what they thought dinosaurs were like back then!

I much prefer Steven Spielberg. Although the dinosaurs should have eaten the old fat guy, I think. And I never screech like his grand-daughter did! Some people have no pride… 

And AD has too much. About Mary Anning, I mean. Sure, I’m happy to drop a brick on her, but Jack says we musn’t. Something about not killing our own grandfather or something like that. Really! It’s not like Mary Anning is our grandfather, now, is it? But he says we’ll never know what can happen…

But old Mary is too old for us. She kicked the bucket long before they started digging up the really big insects, so we have to go annoy slightly-less-old Anonymous again. She’s been rather snippy to us since she’s discovered we’re not assassins for hire. (Seriously: I’m EIGHT YEARS OLD. I work for myself.) But how else are we supposed to figure out what’s going on next door? Do I look like I know anything about bugs to you?

Jack says we’re going to have to try and be polite. Might as well get it over with. She is the expert, after all. 

And you can’t enforce restraining orders from the nineteenth century.

Cerberus returns!

You asked for it, Jemima. Don’t blame me if you don’t like it! And if you EVER try to give me tetanus again, I’ll hang you upside down from the chimney until all the blood runs to your head and it BURSTS. Tetanus shots hurt, you know! So if only to save me from having to get another one…

Ha. I knew that’d make you talk! Hey… ow!

Serves you right. Anyway, I sneaked into Shelley’s place through the back door, and was able to pry open the way down to the basement with my crowbar. But there was another door at the bottom – sort of see-though, like it was made with plexiglass. I guess that’s what he was doing with the building materials – he was making a room. An air-tight room, for his new pets to live in!

I know it was airtight, because I could see all the oxygen being pumped into it. He wouldn’t need to do that if there was air in there already, surely? And the glass was all warm, so it must have been hot in there… and there was lots of green stuff.

Like slime?

If by slime you mean ferns, then yeah. Lots of potted plants.

Potted plants was what made you go all funny?! POTTED PLANTS??!!

Shut up. There was more than that. There were these… these things flying around. Like insects, a bit like mosquitoes, but bigger. Much bigger. As big as my arm!

So you went all babyish because of bugs? That’s pathetic, but I suppose it’s better than being scared of a maidenhair.

Would you shut up! I haven’t finished yet. Anyway, these things were making this strange buzzing noise, must have been the wings, so that’s what you heard from the outside of the house.

Still waiting for the scary bit.

Owww!

It’s your own fault. Just don’t throw up on me when I tell you. They were eating. There was this big table in the middle, with this massive lump of meat on it. It looked sort of gnawed, sucked, whatever. Once I saw what it was, I didn’t stay to see any more.

You see, there was fur on that meat. And a collar. With a big “C” on it!

Wait. That sounds like… like…

Yep. We killed the Mad Scientist’s dog. So he fed it to the new pets.

Ew. EW. EW!! But we saw him bury the doggie. D’you think he dug him up again?

I think I’m going to be sick.

Waste not, want not, I reckon. It had to be cheaper than a side of beef. Don’t you be sick on me, you horrible brat!  

I told you so!!!

You see what I mean?

Jack is being such a wuss. He’s all “There’s nothing wrong, I don’t want to talk about it”.

WELL I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!!!!

But do you think he tells me what he saw in Shelley’s basement? Noooooo. I’ve heard him screaming in his sleep, though - but that may have been me poking him with a sharp and rusty nail. (Dad says I should wear shoes in the park so I don’t step on something yucky and get tetanus. So I wondered how easy it was to get? It’s not like my brother’s being useful in any other way, the stupid boy. I’m Making Do. I don’t like wearing shoes!)

And I DON’T like being kept in the dark. I’ll make him tell me if I have to give him tetanus in both feet, both hands, and both eyeballs! (I’m going to do those tomorrow. I wonder if they’ll squish?).

I don’t want to talk about it

I don’t want to talk about it. Not now, not ever. It was a bad idea, alright? What more do you want me to say?

Besides, I’ve got other stuff to do anyway. It’s good to keep yourself occupied, right? So I finally did it – I figured out how to make a new machine!

This one won’t be as powerful as my trebuchet, because Mum said I wasn’t allowed any more siege weapons after Cer… *gag* Well, after last time, so I have to make it easy to take apart. I wanted to make one even better than the last one but couldn’t figure out how to make a smaller one more dangerous. Then I figured it out when I saw some kids down the road running away from a flower. I went out to have a look – it had bees all over it! Why make the machine bigger when you can make the ammo better?

 

 

So I have started drawing the plans for my new bee-hive launcher. Bees are good even though they sting because they pollinate flowers and make them grow. So Mum can’t really tell me off for launching bee-hives into Mr. Shelley’s garden if they help his flowers grow, can she? I can’t wait to tell Jemima. She’ll have to catch the bees for me.

At least it’ll stop her trying to make me talk about it.

Welcome to Jurassic Park!

Jurassic Park next door in the neighbour’s basement!!!!

At least now we know what’s he’s been building… and it’s something weird. Jack didn’t get a really good look, but that’s not my fault! Make a distraction, he says. So I blew up Dr. Shelley’s letterbox. There were lots and lots of fireworks, whee! All the pretty sparkles…

I think he knew it was me. It must have been all the pink. Anyway, I made sure he could see me waiting outside the cloud of smoke (it looked like candyfloss. Yum!). He went all red and yelled some very nasty things. Luckily – or maybe unluckily – Mum came home then and he went to complain at her.

“You’re going back to school tomorrow!” Mum said, when he was gone. It’s not fair!

But I suppose it was worth it. Jack sneaked round the back into Shelley’s house, and he went straight for the basement. Everything’s always in the basement. I know that from horror films. (Mum doesn’t think I watch them, but I do. It’s easy to pop some sleeping pills into her and Dad’s Milo when a really good one comes on tv. They go to bed early, and I get to have some fun.) He had to lockpick the door. I wish he’d show me how! And at the bottom, he saw this room. Couldn’t get into it, that door was bolted good. (Ha! I bet my crossbow would have knocked it down, but no! Mr. “I’m cleverer than you” didn’t want to take it…) But there was this piece of thick plastic that he could see through…

There were some really giant flying insects. Like Jurassic Park! I wonder if they’ll escape… Looks like the honey was just a trick after all, ‘cos Jack says they’re not bees. I hope it’s Mothra!!! 

I’ve been trying to get him to tell me more, but he just goes all pale and runs to the toilet to throw up. Serves him right for making fun of my stomach, the big useless meanie!

I am just going outside and may be some time…

You know, it really pains me to say it, as she’s such an annoying twit and will now never shut up about it, but I think Jemima’s right. There’s some very funny buzzing coming from inside the house. It doesn’t sound like the bees in MS’s back garden at all. I think they must be a red herring…

I don’t like this! When a mad bug scientist with a grudge has a house that buzzes, you don’t need to be a genius to know that something’s up. I wonder what he’s trying to do? If I were a mad bug scientist, I’d maybe try to poison my enemies. But he could have done that with the honey, and it’d be hard to poison someone if they knew a big poisonous thing was coming at them. It would be too easy to squish. You can’t miss that buzzing! (At least not when you’ve got your ear pressed to the weatherboard…) Unless there was some other way we were supposed to be poisoned by it. I know some people eat insects. Ew!!!  I’m not going to be tricked into that!

So I reckon the best thing is to go round and have a little look-see. Yes, internet, that means sneaking into Shelley’s house and seeing what’s what. Probably at the dead of night, unless we know he’s going to be out. Jemima’s going to have a go and see if she can lure him out for a bit, so that I can get inside. She was even going to let me borrow her crossbow, but I really think a crowbar would be better. And perhaps a lockpick. All in the name of scientific curiosity, of course. Well, that and protecting my own skin.

I hope I don’t get caught! I just know he’d do something horrible to me… I’m all for dedicating my life to science, internet, but I don’t see why I should have to die for it as well.